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Did you hear about the Scottish Scientists that cloned a dog with a hen and got poached eggs? That’s so bad that I think I’ll have a drink—bartender: another Tequila Mockingbird on the rocks. Oh god, just like Humpty Dumpty I’ve become a shell of my former self…Too many of those and I’ll be looking for love in all the wrong places, like restaurants.

Just the other day I met this beautiful chef and all I could think to say was: Quiche me I’m French. She was baking and instead offered me a dessert of thin layers of puff pastry. Thanking her I said: “Wow that’s the first square mille feuille I’ve had all day.” I asked her if she wanted to go to lunch? She told me she just had Chinese, but sent back to the soup because she found it won ton.” How about Korean tomorrow?” I asked. “Well I do like Seoul food”, she opined. By now I was on a Parker House roll…” Or we could do seafood…I just got a great British cookbook: What Hath Cod Wrought.” “Oh, that’s shrimply awful, she sneered, besides I only eat fish on Fry days.”

I could see I was losing water fast. It would take more than a bouquet of founders to land this little yellowtail. Besides she said things I just couldn’t fathom. She was too deep. Seemed to be under a lot of pressure. And boy could she drink. She drank like a …she drank al lot. Running out of line, I resorted to that old canard: “What’s your sign?” She said: “Aquarium.” I said: “Great, let’s get tanked.”

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To make a long story short, we decided just to be pen pals. I guess I should’ve taking her to an expensive restaurant…it would’ve served her right, but like Dorothy said, you can lead a horticulture, but you can’t make her think.

Hey these have been some crumby jokes I know, but it took a lot of crust to say’em. Besides I was getting toasted on all this way. The yeast you can do is laugh for the dough I’m making around here. Some folks are just tough to get a rise out of, I guess. Just like margarine, though, it’s butter than nothing…and this is John Curtas.

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