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It’s a Vegas NFL Draft, Baby!


Photo illustration by Brent Holmes

(Editor’s note: This is satire.)

Las Vegas will be in the national spotlight April 23-25 as it hosts the 2020 NFL Draft, the league’s second-biggest annual showcase behind only the Super Bowl. It will have lots of high-production Vegas splash as it takes over the Strip: red-carpet arrivals, celebrity appearances, live music, and blowout parties. Here are some other Vegas touches rumored to be in store.

• Gift baskets for players include Guy Fieri’s signature Flavor Sauce and Hair Gel

• In surprise DJ set, Diplo drops new single featuring beat based on raspy, withering cackle of Sheldon Adelson

• Legislators in jet packs toss crisp new tax dollars on crowd

• Football explained to special musical guest Billie Eilish

• In surprise announcement, LVCVA secures naming rights for game-day traffic jams

• Gov. Sisolak administers ceremonial first concussion

• Raiders ensure winning season by sacrificing teachers to Mirage volcano

• Convention authority unveils new Vegas motto inspired by the excitement and hard-hitting action of professional football: “I can’t feel my legs.”

• At exclusive pre-draft dinner by Gordon Ramsay, guests served five courses of scream

• In opening festivities, NFL draftees storm the field to tackle a bunch of Instagram influencers

• Noisy fight at beer table turns out to be final Democratic presidential candidate debate

• At midnight, brittle, waxen body of Cher cracks open to unleash apocalyptic swarm of ravening locusts

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