(Editor’s note: This is satire.)
Las Vegas will be in the national spotlight April 23-25 as it hosts the 2020 NFL Draft, the league’s second-biggest annual showcase behind only the Super Bowl. It will have lots of high-production Vegas splash as it takes over the Strip: red-carpet arrivals, celebrity appearances, live music, and blowout parties. Here are some other Vegas touches rumored to be in store.
• Gift baskets for players include Guy Fieri’s signature Flavor Sauce and Hair Gel
• In surprise DJ set, Diplo drops new single featuring beat based on raspy, withering cackle of Sheldon Adelson
• Legislators in jet packs toss crisp new tax dollars on crowd
• Football explained to special musical guest Billie Eilish
• In surprise announcement, LVCVA secures naming rights for game-day traffic jams
• Gov. Sisolak administers ceremonial first concussion
• Raiders ensure winning season by sacrificing teachers to Mirage volcano
• Convention authority unveils new Vegas motto inspired by the excitement and hard-hitting action of professional football: “I can’t feel my legs.”
• At exclusive pre-draft dinner by Gordon Ramsay, guests served five courses of scream
• In opening festivities, NFL draftees storm the field to tackle a bunch of Instagram influencers
• Noisy fight at beer table turns out to be final Democratic presidential candidate debate
• At midnight, brittle, waxen body of Cher cracks open to unleash apocalyptic swarm of ravening locusts
