Hed: You’ll Know We’re in a Dystopia When …
Dek: Is the apocalypse ready yet?
Downtown smells like robot urine
At Vons, two shoppers enter produce aisle, one shopper leaves
Civilization is saved by enlightened teenagers
Super-expensive gene sequencing means only the elite can afford chupacabradoodles
Postapocalyptic cockroach survivors relieved to make final payment on Raiders stadium
More buildings use zombie spikes to keep sidewalks free of droppings
Turns out we’re all Russian bots
One percent of the population controls 90 percent of the barter-worthy junk
As self-driving cars get depressed by pointless, repetitive motion, Big Pharma hikes prices on Turtle Wax Prozac
Rachel Ray publishes Zombie Stroganoff and Other Recipes for Petrified Ruin Scraps!
As humans prepare to merge consciousness with technology, technology has second thoughts, slowly backs away
Nextflix lists Hunger Games under “Documentaries”
Someone actually opens an ax-throwing business
Russian hackers manipulate election for Clark County assessor; later realize they, like Americans, have no idea what county assessor does
It’s harder to find locally sourced Soylent Green
Wayne Allyn Root strips down to metal codpiece, straps self to Stratosphere, and demands to be called “the Humongous”
The internet is two megaphones and a Mattel walkie talkie
Populace cowers as theocratic government enforces biblical injunctions against eating owls and wearing mixed-fiber clothing
Sinister AI resequences traffic lights so no one ever gets to donut shop
Russian hackers fill media with glarnig tpyos
Preserved head of Sheldon Adelson still complaining about LVCVA
The robots give our jobs back
Nextflix lists V for Vendetta under “Documentaries”
“2 + 2 = 5” no longer the result of being nation's worst funded school district
Life is so Orwellian everyone recognizes the above as a reference to 1984
The Second Amendment achieves sentience, angrily demands whereabouts of well-regulated militia
Sunlight blocked by hurricane-force tweetstorms covering Earth
Bellagio ad campaign touts fountains as family-friendly water stop for car-driving desert marauders
Netflix lists Wall-E under “Documentaries”
You look back wistfully on 2017