1. Golden nights
2. Golden lights
3. Foldin’ tights
4. Field hockey
5. Floor hockey
6. Tonsil hockey
7. David Hockney
8. Our newfound anticipation for Mighty Ducks 5: Basically a Fundraiser for Emilio Estevez
9. Politics
10. What does a county assessor, in fact, assess?
11. Clowns (see also number 9)
12. Endlessly recapping the Golden Knights’ first season, not naming any names but c’mon Joe enough already
13. Whether the Democratic candidate for Congressional District 3 who nicknamed himself “The Mensch” is, in fact, a mensch
14. “Barbecue” or “BBQ”?
15. Because would a true mensch advertise his menschness on a ballot?
16. Why wouldn’t a Marilyn Monroe-themed musical work in Vegas?
17. Puck, from A Midsummer Night’s Dream
18. Puck, from Glee
19. The etymology of puck: “The Oxford English Dictionary favored a Scandinavian origin, but the most recent scholarly study argues for an Irish origin ...”
20. Looking at the Neon Museum on Google Satellite
21. “Where can I buy a rum cask for my St. Bernard?”
22. Finally having a place to put all these plausibly humorous thoughts.
23. Recognizing the meta-ness of 22. Whoa.
24. [This line intentionally left blank.]
25. Whether Fugazi was actually a good band or just a bunch of angsty clamor that fooled our younger selves into mistaking sincere intensity for talent
26. The movie, Hereditary
27. Reading articles about how scary Hereditary is and whether it’s the scariest movie ever
28. Reading fan theories on the Hereditary subreddit about the significance of the repeated image of the [SPOILER REDACTED], especially during the part when [SPOILER REDACTED]
29. Oh my god have you seen Hereditary yet?
30. IT IS SO SCARY
31. Can men have “side-boob”?
32. The state of public education in Clark County lol jk
33. Oh, and also that scene where the creepy little girl is [SPOILER REDACTED] but it turns out that actually [SPOILER REDACTED]
34. What if Steve Wynn was secretly relieved at being ousted from his casino empire because now he has more time to play Fortnite?
35. The phrase “tater mitt”
36. Hangnails
37. Other people’s hangnails
37a. Whether Hangnail would serve better as a band name or a supervillain name
38. The finality of death, specifically, the terrifying but obessively compelling conundrum of trying to imagine the annihilation of your being and subjectivity, which necessarily entails trying to imagine the annihilation of the very activity of imagining itself
39. Surreptitiously checking Facebook on your phone even though publicly you’re always sanctimoniously groaning, “I’m so over Facebook!”
40. Our ambition to be a social-media influencer
41. Going to marijuana dispensaries just to marvel at the bewildering range of cannabis products to sort of familiarize yourself with this strange new world, but you feel guilty just browsing so you always end up buying something nominal, but you don’t actually partake that often, so you’ve got this awkward home drug shrine with a growing hoard of gummies, tinctures, pre-rolls, vape pens, and edibles that will take years to consume, and so perhaps ironically the thought of cannabis now fills you with anxiety and low-grade dread
42. Your secret longing to be able to turn off your accumulated carapace-like force-field of defensive cynicism long enough to read one of those of famous self-help books like The Power of Now with earnest open-mindedness and a true desire to change and grow as a person
43. Speculating about the best Weezer song for Toto to remake
44. Whether you’re unhappy because the notions of happiness you’re chasing are false, or you’re unhappy because you’re chasing perfectly valid notions of happiness and the chasing is the problem, or you’re unhappy because you’re actually happy but are a victim of late capitalism-induced systematic programmed holistic dissatisfaction
45. How there are so many podcasts and it’s like this exciting new era of storytelling and journalism and you’ve listened to like three
46. Now that I think about it, Undertow would also make a cool band name or supervillain name
47. Futzing around with the font size and style of your purported novel-in-progress that currently stands at 2,073 words
48. How these days you play video games not to enjoy the games but to test and monitor whether you’re actually enjoying playing them, a sort of hedonically neutral meta-game
49. The need for shorter and funnier items in this list right about now
50. The August issue of Desert Companion, obvs