A family plans its Thanksgiving meal
Rachel Fackenhopf
<rfackenhopf@gmail.com>
To: Mom, Dad, Gary, Uncle Frank,
Aunt Debbie, Brianna, Kaleb
Hey everyone, I want to thank you all for letting me and Gary host Thanksgiving for the first time. We can’t wait! Obviously, Grandma Kathy will be teaching me her famous turkey brining technique. (And I promise not to burn it like dad’s birthday cake, lol!)
I thought it would be fun if everybody brought a dish. What can I put you down for?
Rosemary Fackenhopf
<Rosie_bakes@aol.com>
To: Rachel, Steve, Gary, Frank, Debbie,
Brianna, Kaleb
Oh, you know me. I’ll be bringing pies. I’m even thinking about trying making a cheesecake. I learned the recipe from Judy next door.
Debbie Fackenhopf
<Debbiedoesyoga@yahoo.com>
To: Rose, Frank, Rachel, Gary, Steve,
Brianna, Kaleb
Rose, you know that normally that would be great, but I’m doing paleo this year and the cavemen certainly never had dairy, let alone cheesecake! In fact, I thought it might be fun this year if we had a ham AND a turkey. It would be like Easter and Thanksgiving all in one!
Frank Fackenhopf
<FrankieDoodleDandy@hotmail.com>
To: Deb, Rose, Steve, Rachel, Gary, Brianna, Kaleb
I hate to ask, but ever since the doc said I had the diabetes back in May, it’s been rough. I know it’s not very Thanksgiving-like, but would it be possible to skip desserts altogether? Besides, even if it didn’t raise my sugar too much, I’d hate to eat all those pies and get cankles like you-know-who.
Rachel Fackenhopf
<rfackenhopf@gmail.com>
To: Uncle Frank, Aunt Debbie, Mom, Dad, Gary, Brianna, Kaleb
Oh, you’re right. I forgot you had to stay off sweets, Uncle Frank. I hope it’s not too much trouble, Mom, but maybe we should try to make everyone feel comfortable and not do pies this year?
Brianna Fackenhopf
<Patrianarchist@gmail.com>
To: Aunt Debbie, Mom, Dad, Grandma Rose, Grandpa Steve, Uncle Frank, #Kaleb
You want to make everyone comfortable and we’re having two kinds of meat? Why don’t we just raise a veal cow in the kitchen? I’m going to bring maize, to honor the indigenous peoples whose generosity we’re unjustly appropriating for this holiday. I’ll even make zucchini bread.
Gary Fackenhopf
<thegoodthebadandthegary@aol.com>
To: Brianna, Rachel, Mom, Dad, Aunt Debbie, Uncle Frank, Kaleb
No bread. I have that gluten thing.
Brianna Fackenhopf
<Patrianarchist@gmail.com>
To: Dad, Aunt Debbie, Mom, Grandma Rose, Grandpa Steve, Uncle Frank, #Kaleb
Dad, you don’t have celiac. You just had a moldy piece of rye from the loaf that had been on the counter for two weeks.
Gary Fackenhopf
<thegoodthebadandthegary@aol.com>
To: Brianna, Rachel, Mom, Dad, Aunt Debbie, Uncle Frank, Kaleb
I don’t really feel comfortable with you making me relive painful episodes from my past. You need to warn me before you talk about rye.
Rachel Fackenhopf
<rfackenhopf@gmail.com>
To: Briana, Gary, Uncle Frank, Aunt Debbie, Mom, Dad, Brianna, Kaleb
Let’s not go round and round about that again, Bri. How about if we don’t do the desserts or the starches, but we have all the vegetables? That way everyone can be healthy and feel like they have a space at the table. Kaleb, you’re awfully quiet. What are you bringing?
<HTGK413b@gmail.com>
To: Mom, Dad, Bri, Uncle Frank, Aunt Debbie, Grandma Rose, Grandpa Steve
I told alla you that aint my name anymore. My names Hashtag that’s how i identify now
Gary Fackenhopf
<thegoodthebadandthegary@aol.com>
To: Kaleb, Brianna, Rachel, Mom, Dad, Aunt Debbie, Uncle Frank
Shut up, Kaleb.
Steve Fackenhopf
<sfackenhopf52@outlook.com>
To: Kaleb, Rachel, Gary, Frank, Debbie, Rose
I didn’t leave half my intestines on the Korean peninsula so my grandson could name himself after punctuation, and I damn well didn’t do it to not eat turkey on Thanksgiving.
Rachel Fackenhopf
<rfackenhopf@gmail.com>
To: Dad, Kaleb, Brianna, Gary, Uncle Frank, Aunt Debbie, Mom,
All right, Dad. I’ll make a turkey. Maybe Bri can have her dinner on the porch so she doesn’t have to smell it cooking?
Brianna Fackenhopf
<Patrianarchist@gmail.com>
To: Mom, Dad, Aunt Debbie, Grandma Rose, Grandpa Steve, Uncle Frank, #Kaleb
Mom, I can’t believe you’re going to carry water for this kind of cruel, systemic oppression. You know who supports eating all these poor, abused, hormone-fed, GMO turkeys. It’s just another way old, cisgender, hetero, able, white men control what we put in our bodies and I’m not gonna take it anymore. Hashtag, we can go over to my boyfriend’s place, where he’s doing Organic Beetsgiving.
<HTGK413b@gmail.com>
To: Mom, Dad, Bri, Uncle Frank,
Aunt Debbie, Grandma Rose, Grandpa Steve
uhhhh ma, if you teach me how to make mashed potatoes ill bring those and you can call me kaleb again