Dear County Commissioners, County Clerks, Judges, ex-lovers who accuse me of lacking vision or ambition, et al.:
Kindly let the record show that I’m opposed to the approved plans for a development overlooking scenic Red Rock Canyon. No offense, but building 4,700 homes and a few business parks in the area overlooking Red Rock is the kind of minor league crap I could phone in all day long if I didn’t expect more of myself and that canyon.
Allow me to present NatureDome™ from Canyon Consumer Concepts (I am owner).
I’m willing to make your ordinary canyon into a NatureDome™ ConsumerCanyon® (super-structure). My canyon-based mall/solution will have 20 sides instead of the traditional four-sided boxy layout. Its design will take a page from the canyon dwellings of ancient Pueblo people; that is to say, solid big-box retailers will anchor every corner of the dodecahedronic structure, while fistfuls of smaller merchants (fast food, wig/tanning shops, top-brand track suit discount outlets, knife stores, one of those places that sells executive massage chairs, several magic/costume shops, Sbarro, Booze Barn, etc.) will be speckled between the behemoth merchants in a manner that suggests an enchanted constellation of canyon dwellings. This layout will integrate my augmented Consume-R-Plex® seamlessly with the “natural beauty” of the canyon in order to keep any hopeless sentimentalists from whining about me adding a MUCH-NEEDED massive retail presence in Red Rock Canyon, a canyon that currently offers consumers NO MALL whatsoever.
Since I formed NatureDome® Canyon Consumer Concepts, Inc. about two months ago, there have been times when it feels like everyone is against me. Believe it or not, we still live in a country where people have certain prejudiced ideas about where malls are “allowed” and national parks and conservation areas are, sadly, still places where malls are banned. It seems consumer-based super-structures suffer the brunt of the intolerance that STILL EXISTS in this country. The point is, I see the story about this housing development going in and I think, Finally! Some forward-thinkers who get me. And since you get me, Let’s Get Your Canyon Outfitted With One Of My Giant White Hot Clusters Of Twenty-Sided Consumer Solutions™. (I’m working on a better trademark phrase, but I’ve got 250 quality stationery pads with that one printed on them, so I have to go with it for a bit.).
People will have questions about my proposal. Let me answer all three of them: 1.) Yes, I have a history of drug and drinking problems and I’m having money problems again. 2.) My MegaNature® National Consumption Park will pull out all the stops in order to compete with and surpass the natural grandeur of the surroundings. 3.) Yes, it will be a premium-quality gigantic 20-sided super-structure (or a low-quality standard-size mall structure, depending on what level of funding I am able to secure). And finally, 4.) Yes, it will stand proudly in reply to the question that visitors to America’s national parks and conservation areas have been asking for ages: “If nature is such a perfect system, why does it fail to meet my premium shopping needs as a consumer?”
My bankruptcy proceedings allow me to do business in Nevada,
New York, NY
Humorist Dan Kennedy is the author of Rock On: An Office Power Ballad.
(illustration by Dan Kennedy)