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Looking for a rescued cat to take home? There's "Sunny Puss, friendly ginger cat." "Tom Tom, loving tuxedo kitten."
Then there's "Mr. Biggles, utter bastard of a cat."
The Cat People of Melbourne wrote an adoption listing for Mr. Biggles (aka Lord Bigglesworth) that reads less like an ad and more like a cautionary tale.
Mr. Biggles "is an utter utter bastard," Gina Brett wrote in the listing, which went viral. He is "a despot and a dictator."
He's a gorgeous cat, but beware, she writes:
"If he doesn't like what you're doing he will give you a nip! Sometimes he likes to swipe at your feet too. It just depends on what he can reach at the time.
"Mr Biggles does not like to be thwarted. He throws a catty tantrum if he can't go outside when he wants to be let out (and he wasn't allowed outside for the first couple of weeks at his carers house so there was a few tantrums!). Not being fed on time ... is also a tantrum inducing exercise. ...
"He will let you know [when] he is not happy, which is often because things are often just not up to his high standards. ... Mr Biggles likes his cuddles on his terms, and will sit in your lap when he decides it's time. If the stroking is not up to his standards, he will nip you."
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In a video posted with the listing, Mr. Biggles declined to offer a statement on why he was such a bastard, and whether he did it intentionally.
It's not all irascibility and violence. Mr. Biggles "permits kisses on his shiny black head if he's feeling mellow," the listing notes. He has a cute little snore. And he is capable of playing with a dog without drawing blood. He also "loves to be involved with what you're doing," which is a rather ambiguous form of praise for a cat.
And he's healthy. "Stupidly healthy," the listing says.
"Mr Biggles is not a cat for the inexperienced or faint hearted. He is a full blooded tomcat with very firm boundaries," the listing concludes. "Are you that one special person for Mr Biggles?"
As of Friday afternoon, Lord Bigglesworth was still available for adoption — but the, er, lucky person to take him home will have to live in Victoria, Australia.