The Salt

Sandwich Monday: Pizza-Flavored Energy Paste


Robert tries another approach.
Robert tries another approach.

Traditionally, the liquified foods marathoners choke down in the middle of a race have been limited to some pretty basic flavors: lemon-lime gel, vanilla goo, chocolate mystery substance.

No more! Clif has introduced pizza-flavored energy paste.

We tried it while competing together in an ultramarathon this weekend (this entire sentence is a lie).

Ian: It's like an IV bag for someone suffering from too much happiness.

Eva: If my wisdom teeth grow back and I have to get them removed again, I won't have to take a break from pizza this time.

Robert: Finally, a cure for the Passover pizza craving I suffer from every year!

To be fair, this stuff is designed for endurance athletes. See, it's specially formulated to punish people who won't stop talking about their marathon.

Eva: This'll be great for refueling during my couch triathlon!

Ann: I'm not a marathoner, but I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to induce vomiting while running.

Ian: Yes, Liquid Pizza. Because you should trust the choices of people who choose to run ultramarathons.

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The ingredients listed include Organic Carrot Puree, Organic Quinoa, and Organic Sunflower Seed Butter, just like real pizza.

Eva: This is the gel they use for ultrasounds if you're pregnant with a pizza.

Ian: How could something that combines my love of pizza with my love of drinking be so terrible?

Robert: I usually have to drink a whole lot more to bring pizza back looking like this.

[The verdict: At their best, energy gels are not good. This is far from the best.]

Sandwich Monday is a satirical feature from the humorists at Wait, Wait ... Don't Tell Me!

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