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The Salt

Sandwich Monday: Little Caesars' Bacon-Wrapped Crust Pizza

Once, long ago, pizza was a wide, untouched landscape. Then we put toppings in the middle. But as overpopulation took hold, we were forced to colonize the last bits of protected land — building subterranean cheese tunnels in the crust. And now, finally, Little Caesars has covered the crust in bacon.

Eva: Poor regular crust. It's like Michael Keaton last night when the younger, cuter guy won.

Peter: They say they make it in two rectangular pieces so it can have "eight corners." Why not just an octagonal pizza?

Miles: This is Little Caesars' way of making the pizza's corners child-safe.

Eleanor: I'd say they're using the term "bacon" fairly loosely. Also, "pizza."

Peter: It would be sad if the pepperoni put out bacon walls to protect themselves and died anyway.

Mike: There was a fourth little pig who built his house with bacon. It was obviously a terrible idea. That's why no one talks about it.

Miles: My mom used to tell me that the crusts were the healthiest part of the pizza. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW, MOM?

Mike: This cold snap is affecting everyone. Even the pizza is like, better put on my bacon coat.

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Ian: How is he not Big Caesar by now?

(The verdict: Look, it's nothing new to complain that fast food doesn't look like it does in the ads, but there is barely any bacon around this crust. That said, it's still a deliciously greasy pizza, and people visiting here from the past would probably think it's weird that I'm disappointed that there's too little bacon in my pizza crust.)

Sandwich Monday is a satirical feature from the humorists at Wait, Wait ... Don't Tell Me!

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