Satire: John Bonaventura, mall cop
Location: Meadows Mall
Security officer: John Bonaventura
Log date: Jan. 13, 2015
Pre-shift gear check: 1 canister StingR pepper spray; 1 Enforcer GX-7 security baton; 1 bag Jack’s Tequila Lime Sizzle beef jerky; 1 roll Tums; 1 copy Sudoku Madness, Numberz Ninja Edition; 1 copy Nicholas Spark’s The Notebook
The first donut of the day is the best donut.
Second donut of the day is pretty good too.
Initial patrol. Victoria’s Secret clear of suspicious activity.
Frederick’s of Hollywood clear of suspicious activity.
Pass by a mirror in Macy's; experience wrenching existential pang upon being reminded I’m wearing Shape Ups.
Third sample from Mrs. Field’s Cookies counter confirms no presence of suspicious substances or tampering. However, will remain vigilant.
Receive supervisor reprimand after discovery of my cell-cam footage for proposed reality show, Naked on a Segway.
Victoria’s Secret still clear of suspicious activity. Initial patrol complete.
Lunch spent at food court developing new custom recipe, the CinnaBarro, an unraveled Cinnabon coiled around a slice of Sbarro meat-lover’s pizza.
Respond to call to B parking lot to intercept skateboarding teens. Yelled, “Later, skaters!” Ha ha! It’s the small victories.
Once again, find myself strangely moved by the mall’s uniquely evocative scent of stale popcorn, new shoes, lemon floor wax, perfume, thwarted teen desire. Old, fugitive hopes haunt and jeer. Past the eerily quiet Radio Shack, I slip down the service hall and into the custodial storeroom. Hold 12-pack of toilet paper to my face. Scream.
Subjected to random blood test. Have a 0.69 Miss Fields level, just below the legal limit. Bite on that, mall managers!
Check in with Carl at the As Seen on TV store. Growing suspicious. This is the third time my sales clerk application was “lost.” Hooks me up with employee discount on a Ped Egg, though.
Every time I walk by Zales, I wonder, what is a Zale, anyway?
Shift over, heading home. Just me, the Segway, my cell-cam and the warm, warm breeze.