HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED WHY BUSINESS TRAVELERS NEVER HAVE SMILES ON THEIR FACES? WELL THAT’S BECAUSE THE FOOD THEY’RE EATING BASICALLY SUCKS. I KNOW THIS BECAUSE I JUST SPENT THREE DAYS AT A LUXURY HYATT REGENCY HOTEL—IN ORLANDO FLORIDA NO LESS -- TRYING TO FIND SOMETHING GOOD TO EAT.
SINCE I WAS ON AN EXPENSE ACCOUNT-- I THOUGHT I’D GIVE THE HOTEL GOURMET ROOM A TRY. AFTER DOWNING A CINNAMON-FREE CINNAMON SCONE AT STARBUCKS THAT MORNING, I WAS FAMISHED AND GAME FOR ANYTHING. WHAT I GOT WAS AN OVERDECORATED SALAD AND THE WORLD’S GUMMIEST CRAWFISH GUMBO—WITH ONLY A DEAD CRUSTACEAN ATOP IT TO GIVE ME A CLUE AS TO WHAT IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE.>p> UNDAUNTED—I RESOLVED TO GIVE THIS CORPORATE CUISINE ANOTHER TRY. AFTER ANOTHER MORNING OF PATHETIC STARBUCK’S PASTRIES—THIS TIME A STALE, TASTELESS PEANUT-BUTTER COOKIE—I FOOLISHLY SAVED MY APPETITE FOR THE STRANGELY SPICE-CHALLENGED BLACKENED SEA BASS—RESTING ATOP MASHED POTATOES—PROVING THAT SPUDS AND SWIMMERS ONLY ACHIEVE BLISS WHEN FISH MATES WITH CHIP. EACH OF THESE MEALS CONFIRMED MY FIRM OPINION THAT CORPORATE TASTEFULNESS IS THE OXYMORON OF OUR EDIBLE TIMES.
AFTER THESE DISAPPOINTMENTS IT WAS STRAIGHT TO THE FOOD COURT—WHERE ON SUCCESSIVE DAYS—I MADE DUE WITH A KEROSENE BURGER FROM BURGER KING—(NO KIDDING THEY ALL TASTE LIKE THAT), A PIZZA HUT SUPREME PIZZA THAT WAS THE POOREST, PUFFIEST AND DOUGHIEST EXCUSE FOR A PIZZA IN THE HISTORY OF PIE MAKING, AND A FOOT LONG FROM NATHAN’S THAT WAS GROTESQUELY COVERED IN THE WEAKEST CHILI THIS SIDE OF A SUN CITY SOCIAL. IN NATHAN’S DEFENSE—THE MEAL ENDED ON A HIGH NOTE WITH A MRS. FIELD’S PEANUT BUTTER COOKIE THAT POSSESSED A CERTAIN JE NE SAIS QUOI THAT ITS STARBUCKS RIVAL LACKED.
BUT SO BAD EVERYTHING ELSE WAS THAT I ENDED UP AMUSING MYSELF AT MEALTIMES BY COMBINING DIFFERENT FLAVORS AT THE UBIQUITOUS SOFT DRINK MACHINES—IF YOU’VE NEVER TRIED ICE TEA AND DIET COKE WITH A SPLASH OF MOUNTAIN DEW—I HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT—PROVIDED THE VINTAGES ARE APPROPRIATE OF COURSE.