An unorthodox couple finds grace in the challenges of co-parenting
Family life now commonly comes with challenges that were exceptional a couple generations ago: divorced parents, joint custody, two-home arrangements. Diana England and Tammy Goodrich have all these, plus some other potentially complicating factors: They’re a same-sex former couple who adopted their children, Audrey and Logan, birth-siblings now 7 and 6 years old, respectively. But rather than treating their particular circumstances like a problem, England and Goodrich use them as motivation to dial up their commitment to co-parenting in a harmonious environment that allows both families to thrive.
“I had always wanted children,” Goodrich says. She was in her late 30s and England in her late 40s when the couple began to talk about their options for having a family. England suggested adoption, and they launched the intense, yearlong process that included nine weeks of classes, stacks of paperwork, a formal domestic partnership and a deep reserve of resolve. “We made friends with everybody,” England says, “case workers, counselors, other parents, foster parents. We networked. And we really worked the network.” Their perseverance brought them Audrey, then 15 months old. After visiting the infant a couple times at her foster home, England and Goodrich checked out the blond-haired, blue-eyed child for some time together at their house. Audrey would never leave. Her foster mother fell ill while she was with England and Goodrich, and the adoption agency asked the prospective parents if they could keep the child. Fostering quickly turned to adoption, and two months later, they had her 5-day-old brother, Logan, too. All at once, a family was born.
Two children was not the original plan. “It was hard,” says England. “Your whole world is changing. In three weeks, I haven’t worked out, I haven’t slept, I haven’t walked my dogs … I said, ‘You go pick (Logan) up. I have to go to work.’” Goodrich resumes the story: “I had him when Diana got home, and she probably walked around the house for 15 minutes before she even looked at him. I think she was in shock.” Today, England says, she’d do it all again. She wishes she could also adopt Audrey and Logan’s younger brother.
From the beginning of the end of their relationship, the pair tried to lessen the impact on the kids. They took separate bedrooms in the same house for more than a year; eventually, England moved out — but to a house only two blocks away. Goodrich, a bartender, would pick the kids up from school and get them started on their homework. When England, then a manicurist (she now runs a dog rescue full-time), would get home from work, she’d take the kids for dinner and bedtime, then drop them off at school in the morning. Both moms would attend school events, karate demonstrations, drama presentations. They worked out a schedule. They worked together. “We’re no different than heterosexual couples that separate,” Goodrich says. Which is to say, it wasn’t always easy.
Communication, consistency and counseling — with emphasis on the last item: These are England and Goodrich’s keys to keeping the peace. They swear by the professional help they get in weekly sessions, saying it taught them the importance of having similar rules and backing each other up on disciplinary matters. No matter how frustrated they may get with each other, they keep calm in front of the kids, knowing they can always duke it out in the counselor’s office later. “If you’re committed to your kids and their having a healthy life,” England says, “then you just have to work through it. We’ve seen the difference the right approach makes, and it’s worth it.”
