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Hed: You’ll Know We’re in a Dystopia When …

Dek: Is the apocalypse ready yet?


Downtown smells like robot urine

At Vons, two shoppers enter produce aisle, one shopper leaves

Civilization is saved by enlightened teenagers

Super-expensive gene sequencing means only the elite can afford chupacabradoodles

Postapocalyptic cockroach survivors relieved to make final payment on Raiders stadium

More buildings use zombie spikes to keep sidewalks free of droppings

Turns out we’re all Russian bots

One percent of the population controls 90 percent of the barter-worthy junk

As self-driving cars get depressed by pointless, repetitive motion, Big Pharma hikes prices on Turtle Wax Prozac

Rachel Ray publishes Zombie Stroganoff and Other Recipes for Petrified Ruin Scraps!

​As humans prepare to merge consciousness with technology, technology has second thoughts, slowly backs away

Nextflix lists Hunger Games under “Documentaries”

Someone actually opens an ax-throwing business

Russian hackers manipulate election for Clark County assessor; later realize they, like Americans, have no idea what county assessor does

It’s harder to find locally sourced Soylent Green

Support comes from

Wayne Allyn Root strips down to metal codpiece, straps self to Stratosphere, and demands to be called “the Humongous”

The internet is two megaphones and a Mattel walkie talkie

Populace cowers as theocratic government enforces biblical injunctions against eating owls and wearing mixed-fiber clothing

Sinister AI resequences traffic lights so no one ever gets to donut shop

Russian hackers fill media with glarnig tpyos

Preserved head of Sheldon Adelson still complaining about LVCVA

The robots give our jobs back​

Nextflix lists V for Vendetta under “Documentaries” 

“2 + 2 = 5” no longer the result of being nation's worst funded school district

Life is so Orwellian everyone recognizes the above as a reference to 1984

The Second Amendment achieves sentience, angrily demands whereabouts of well-regulated militia

Sunlight blocked by hurricane-force tweetstorms covering Earth

Bellagio ad campaign touts fountains as family-friendly water stop for car-driving desert marauders

Netflix lists Wall-E under “Documentaries”

You look back wistfully on 2017


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