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Six kinds of people you meet at Christmas

1. The maniacally cheerful holiday enthusiast

Wears Santa hats. Decks halls. Knows never-sung last verse of “God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen.” Quote: “It’s Christmaaaaaas!”

 

2 . The emotionally detached football watcher

Avoids all the &%#*! jingle-belling by hunkering on couch, yelling at referees. His Barcalounger is worse than his bite.

 

3. The cynical spiked-eggnog hog

Glugs the ’nog  to forget he’s lonelier than pre-Whoville Grinch. Unrelated but also damning: Thinks Trans-Siberian Orchestra is “coolio.”

 

4. The manic chef 

Her annual frenzy of chopping, baking, basting, and roasting buys her family’s love at least until she makes her famous Fourth of July BBQ ribs.

 

5. The unwanted-advice-dispensing health nut/New Age guru/self-help addict

The time of year you can’t duck your jerksplaining, know-it-all cousin. Quote: “That fruitcake will stay in your colon forever.”

 

6 The too-cool-for-Christmas teenager

Happy Gothmas, losers! Thinks Scrooge’s humbug game was weak. Still wants new iPhone in stocking, though.

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