Six kinds of people you meet at Christmas
1. The maniacally cheerful holiday enthusiast
Wears Santa hats. Decks halls. Knows never-sung last verse of “God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen.” Quote: “It’s Christmaaaaaas!”
2 . The emotionally detached football watcher
Avoids all the &%#*! jingle-belling by hunkering on couch, yelling at referees. His Barcalounger is worse than his bite.
3. The cynical spiked-eggnog hog
Glugs the ’nog to forget he’s lonelier than pre-Whoville Grinch. Unrelated but also damning: Thinks Trans-Siberian Orchestra is “coolio.”
4. The manic chef
Her annual frenzy of chopping, baking, basting, and roasting buys her family’s love at least until she makes her famous Fourth of July BBQ ribs.
5. The unwanted-advice-dispensing health nut/New Age guru/self-help addict
The time of year you can’t duck your jerksplaining, know-it-all cousin. Quote: “That fruitcake will stay in your colon forever.”
6 The too-cool-for-Christmas teenager
Happy Gothmas, losers! Thinks Scrooge’s humbug game was weak. Still wants new iPhone in stocking, though.