That squalling baby wearing the “2017” sash means it’s time to set a bunch of self-improvement goals you truly believe you won’t abandon this time. To eat better and exercise. To quit self-destructive behaviors. To be more mindful. To read more. To improve the planet. To just be a better person.
Will this be the year you actually follow through? Possibly! Or will you give up before Baby New Year soils his second diaper because you’re a total loser? Probably! To be sure, take our predictive quiz and add up your score to gauge your odds of success.
1. Describe your general level of discipline
A) I always leave one cookie so I can truthfully say I didn’t eat “the whole box” (-10)
B) You know the scene in Will where G. Gordon Liddy holds his hand in the candle flame without flinching? I taught him that. (+10)
2. In what ways do you already try to be a better person?
A) My sneakers are non-sweatshop, I give money to good causes, I eat nothing that had a face (+10)
B) Well, a face I recognize (0)
C) Last week I gave a homeless man some good investment advice and charged just half my usual fee (-5)
D) I haven’t yet chainsaw-murdered you for asking stupid questions (-10)
3. How’s your blood pressure?
A) Like a baby’s! Uh, that is, if a baby has good blood pressure. What am I, a doctor? (+6)
B) I blame Obama (0)
C) Better, now that I found my chainsaw (-10)
4. Three words that describe your general level of fitness
A) Trim, healthful, cyclist (+8)
B) Breathe, walk, pant (-5)
C) Ernest Borgnine-shaped (-7)
D) Sad! Shame! Unfair! (-10)
5. How often do you eat fast food?
A) Never (+5)
B) Occasionally (0)
C) I can’t answer, thanks to the Super Gonzo Cheesy Bacon Jumbo Bacon-Cheese Butter Jack I just crammed into my burger hole (-8)
6. Kale?
A) Often (+5)
B) Occasionally (+1)
C) Never (-2)
D) Can I smoke it? (-5)
7. Sustainable foods are ...
A) Produced in a way that minimizes agricultural impact on the environment and thus promote global wellness (+5)
B) A plot to keep liberals employed at Trader Joe’s. Wrong! Shame! (-5)
8. Distance you comfortably walk at one time
A) One mile (+5)
B) Half-mile (+2)
C) The duration of a Pall Mall light (-5)
D) From my car to the slop trough (-10)
9. The last time you went to the gym?
A) Within the month (+6)
B) Clarify: to the gym or into the gym? (0)
C) If Pokémon Go gyms count, then 12 times today (-5)
10. Most recent sporting activity
A) Pickup basketball with friends (+10)
B) Monthly pickleball at the rec center (+5)
C) Pickleball is too a real sport, jerk (0)
D) Captain of the Trump University three-card monte team (-7)
E) Reading Sports Illustrated (-10)
11. Was it the Swimsuit Issue?
A) No (0)
B) You’re lying (-5)
C) Okay, yes (-10)
12. How many hours a week do you lounge in front of the TV?
A) Fewer than 10 (+10)
B) I only watch NCIS and its reruns and spin-offs, so 335 (-5)
C) Zero. I’m too busy binge-watching my favorite shows on a smartphone (-7)
D) While I drive (-10)
13. Speaking of which, have you seen the new season of Black Mirror? It’s awesome!
A) Not yet! Don’t spoil it for me! (+10)
B) No. Just can’t get into that show (-50, putz)
14. How many books do you read in a month?
A) At least three (+10)
B) Does skimming the plot summaries on Amazon.com count? (-3)
C) I’m waiting until literature arrives in delicious gummy form, thank you (-10)
D) Books? Clearly you did not see my Make America Great Again hat? (-15)