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Things to Do While Your Girlfriend Is in Italy

For you to fully understand this list, I need to explain why I made it.

My girlfriend is in Italy. There, you’re up to speed.

Maybe you find yourself in a similar situation. Perhaps you’re stuck in Las Vegas being tortured by your selfish, evil girlfriend, whom we love, adore, and wish has the best time in Italy. But it can be rough because while you’re stuffing down fast-food mozzarella, she’s learning to make authentic Italian pizza. She’s seeing magnificent works of art, and you’re watching a hobo fight a pigeon over a McNugget. On the other hand, you’re in fabulous Las Vegas, and who said Italy is so great? That’s right! Absolutely no one, ever.

So use this city to its full advantage in dealing with her absence.

Keep Italy off of your mind by going to Fremont Street: Nothing says, “This is not Italy” like Fremont Street. The stuff you’ll see there — "nuns" flashing strangers, for example — will make you forget all about your girlfriend, along with other valuable information.

Eat Tofu: Tofu is the polar opposite of any Italian food. Additionally, stay away from any meal ending in A or I. In fact, limit your diet exclusively to dishes that are four letters or less. There are multiple tofu eateries scattered across Las Vegas Valley, most of which haven’t even heard the word lasagna. I recommend Tofu Hut, where you can also have the delicious, extremely non-Italian beef tongue.

Avoid Olive Garden: This actually has less to do with having a girlfriend in Italy and more to do with those breadsticks. They don’t stop coming! Your girlfriend will be on the next plane back to Italy if she comes back and sees you’ve become a carbed-up behemoth sweating salt.

Walk the Strip: This will make her jealous. While she’s stuck in Italy, you can go to fake Italy, fake Paris, fake Egypt, and take selfies with people dressed like Batman. Try finding that in Florence!

Go to Eataly at Park MGM: Obviously, all you want to do is be in Italy with her. The closest you can get is Eataly. Walk around, smell the Italian cuisine, imagine you’re in Rome — then Facetime her for a few minutes of virtually holding hands in a more or less authentic Italian setting. Do not bring still photos of her to stare at as you eat linguini. That’s just creepy.

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