- Dawn gets Chateau Beauvais living room set, Fairmont Bonaparte dining collection; Jim gets giant inflatable Corona bottle
- Jim to get sole custody of Xbox 360 and recently purchased copy of Guitar Hero 3: Warriors of Rock
- Jim to retain ownership of all political memorabilia, including baby seal skull scrimshawed by Grover Norquist
- Jim to retain custody of all Lunchables, Gogurt and Fruit Roll-Ups
- Both parties agree not to talk publicly about that 2008 Christmas party when Jim drank a whole bottle of peppermint schnapps and ate the fake beard off the hired Santa's face.
- Longtime pet companion Zimbles the cat to be divided equally among divorcing parties
- Upon final dissolution of marriage, Jim to be sedated, tagged and relocated to Stillwater Wildlife Refuge in western Nevada, where he will be monitored indefinitely