AILSA CHANG, HOST:
Each week, a well-known guest draws a card from our deck and answers a big question about their life on NPR's Wild Card podcast. Mark Duplass is famous for playing Chip on "The Morning Show" and for writing and directing indie hits. He has two new projects out now, "Out There: Crimes Of The Paranormal" on Hulu and "Penelope" on Netflix. But despite his success, he told Wild Card host Rachel Martin that film wasn't always going to be the plan.
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RACHEL MARTIN: Pick one, two, or three.
MARK DUPLASS: Give me No. 2, please.
MARTIN: No. 2, OK - what was a moment in your life when you could have chosen a different path?
DUPLASS: OK. I am 27 years old. I am on a bus from Bangor, Maine, to New York City by myself. I have just finished shooting "The Puffy Chair," our first feature film, and I know it's going to be good. I really feel it. But at this point, I do not identify yet as a filmmaker. I am still a musician who's playing in indie rock bands, making 94 to 95 dollars a night to split amongst three people.
And I'm thinking to myself, this is not sustainable. I'm not going to be able to be an independent filmmaker giving myself to that, an independent musician, be the brother I want to be to my brother, the son to my parents, the incoming husband I'm about to be to my girlfriend, now wife, Katie. Something's got to give.
And I had stayed at my sister-in-law's house who has this nice selection of books. And for some reason, I pick out "The Bridges Of Madison County." This is my choice. And I sob through the entire book. And there's this quote that says, this type of certainty comes but once in a lifetime, and it really, like, hit me. It resonated with me.
And I was - and I closed my eyes. And I said, you're going to make a choice. You're going to be a filmmaker, or you're going to be a musician. And on that bus, I decided, even though music is my No. 1 passion and it's what I identify with most, I actually don't think I am good enough to be the artist I want to be as a musician, and I think this is going to destroy me.
MARTIN: Yeah.
DUPLASS: I need to give this thing up and go to this other place. And it weirdly felt inauthentic in some way.
MARTIN: Inauthentic.
DUPLASS: Yes, inauthentic, because, you know, you - musician's my passion. It's what I am.
MARTIN: Yeah.
DUPLASS: But it was the best choice I ever made, and I truly believe I am alive and on my feet because of it.
MARTIN: Do you still identify - like, when you think about who you are in your core, you're like, ah, I'm a musician.
DUPLASS: Every 12 to 18 months, some song will come on, and I'll just start uncontrollably sobbing. And it's a grieving process for the person that I thought I was going to be, and it's totally OK because I have a wonderful life, and I love what I do. But it's a loss.
MARTIN: Just out of curiosity, what was the last - do you remember the last song that made you have that reaction?
DUPLASS: In this case, it was I was one of the Taylor Swift songs off of the - God, whatever the black-and-white album was. There's "Evermore" and "Folklore." It was off the "Folklore" album.
MARTIN: "Folklore."
DUPLASS: And it was about the beautiful and terrific heartbreak of first love. And my daughter's 16, and...
MARTIN: Yeah.
DUPLASS: ...She's - you know, has a serious boyfriend, and they're going through it, and I was just thinking about her, listening to Taylor Swift while doing my elliptical machine workout and dropping tears in the gears.
(LAUGHTER)
MARTIN: I mean, Tay-Tay - she does that to all of us.
DUPLASS: She gets me.
CHANG: Mark Duplass is the producer of two new shows, "Out There" and "Penelope." You can hear more from him by following the Wild Card podcast. Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.
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