Jon Ralston is a well-known name in Nevada and in many parts of the country.
He has reported on politics in Nevada for some 30 years. He’s a weekly contributor to Nevada Public Radio; he’s a columnist for the Reno Gazette-Journal; and he hosts his own TV show on Vegas PBS.
But until a month ago, most people didn’t know his son, Jake.
In May, Jon Ralston wrote a column about how he couldn’t wait to meet Jake. Because Jake was Maddy until last month. Jake had legally petitioned and won the right to change his name and gender on his birth certificate to reflect that he is a man, not a woman.
On this Friday before Father’s Day, Jon and Jake talk about what it means to be a father, to be a son, and to live a life that is wholly unexpected.
INTERVIEW HIGHLIGHTS:
Were you aware of your dad’s feelings?
Jake: I guess I was. I told him since I was 5 that I wanted to be boy. As any parent, he said, ‘Yes, sure you do. It’s just a phase.’ The more serious I got about it the more he realized I wanted to be happy. And supporting me unconditionally was going to make me happy.
I think at first he was in denial about it. But as soon as he realized I needed to do this for myself that’s when he really started learning more about it. He started talking to me about things and making sure I was ready to start this transition.
What was your evolution as a father like?
Jon: At a very young age, Maddy used to say, ‘I want to be a boy.’ ‘Don’t buy me dolls for Christmas or I’ll cut their heads off,’ always very tomboyish.
At the time, I didn’t think anything off it. As Maddy grew older and started to become more grown up and started to talk more about things, it was clear to me that maybe Maddy was a lesbian. And I believed for some time that Maddy was a lesbian. Maddy was even told by some people that lesbianism was where she was headed.
Maddy — sorry — Jake said it was some time in high school, but I don’t think I came to terms with it until quite some time after that — that Maddy was going to become Jake. He is absolutely right … I was in denial about it. I think a lot of parents are who go through this. But I just wanted my kid to be happy.
Was there a tipping point? Where you finally understood where he was coming from?
Jon: I’m not sure there was one event. I talked to a lot of people about it. I talked to my wife about it. I talked to a few very close friends about it. I thought that Jake was entitled to his privacy. I was entitled to mine about all this.
The realization at some point that this was who my kid really was, not who my kid wanted to be, who my kid really always had been. And what would make him the happiest was to be who he is to the world.
Did you know your dad was going to write that article?
Jake: I had been pushing for him to write it because he has so many lives that he can touch. That if he can change even one person’s idea of hatred to something of acceptance. That’s what I wanted. I wanted it out there so he can help people realize that we’re just people. We eat, we breathe, we sleep — just as much as anyone else does and that we need to be supported rather than hated.
What was the reaction? Did you get any negative reaction?
Jake: I assume we got negative reaction. My dad has always told me to ignore the trolls. At first, when the article posted, I wanted to read the comments and everything seemed to be positive until I found one little piece and I was shocked that someone could have said something like that.
Your dad wrote about you being teased in school. Is that right word ‘teased?’
Jake: No, I guess tormented would be a little bit of a better word. Teased is so soft compared to what some of the things people have told me. Teased is a very high school word. Where tormented or even degraded or even bullied would be such a stronger word.
Some of the things that people have told me are pretty serious and borderline harassment. It is honestly quite shocking that people have so much hatred for people.
How did you deal with that?
Jake: I tried to kill them with kindness. I would say, ‘Thank you for your input. If that’s how you feel, then that’s how you feel and nothing I’m going to say is going to change that. So, I hope you have a great rest of your day.’
It startles them a little bit. They don’t know how to respond to someone being so kind after their horrendous comments. It’s funny to watch their responses.
What was it like to hear about the torment Jake was going through?
Jon: It was horrible and horrifying. I had the image in my mind of these people saying these things to my kid and I have no doubt that as defiant as Jake can be, and as defensive of who he is, that he reacted that way just says so much about the kind of person Jake is.
I would have wanted to do physical violence to these people. Any parent understands that instinct. But Jake’s reaction to that is the most telling and is what really I hope is the message people take away from the column that I wrote, which is that these are just people. These are just your kids and they deserve love and compassion in the way that any other people do.
And the fact that people are so intolerant and so prone to fear and hatred, born mostly of ignorance. I don’t think people are pure haters. I think they are incredibly ignorant. They’ve been taught in certain ways or inculcated in church — or something like that. If just one person would change their point of view based on reading that this is really just about love then, I think that that column has done much more than I ever thought it would do.
That column was just a love letter to my child, but it has turned to be something more, a lot more.
People used your mother’s death as a way to further torment you?
Jake: People who know that she died from alcoholism tell me that she committed suicide, that she turned to drinking because I’m trans. And that she killed herself because she was ashamed of who I am.
And so, it’s kind of shocking that people would stoop to that level to attack my family and tell me things that they know nothing about. It’s ignorance. They don’t know so it is kind of hard to be angry at them. It’s one of those handoffs. I get that you’re hateful and I get you’re ignorant of what being trans is, but you don’t get to attack my family.
Jon, that story is heartbreaking.
Jon: People ask you what quality would you say you most admire in your child or what quality most embodies who your child is and I always think of the same word for Jake and that’s "resilience."
This is the most resilient kid that I can even imagine. There is no reason to go into details now but Jake sugar coated most of what his mother put Jake through, during a three, four, maybe five year period. The kind of abuse, physical and verbal, that Jake handled it so well.
Jake’s first instinct was to protect me from it and didn’t tell me a lot that was going on. Forget having to go through all of the difficult inner conflict of his own sexuality that Jake had to deal with an abuse mother and then the death of that mother. And that he is such an incredible young man about to turn 21 with his whole life before him and in a better place and a more mature place than most 20, 21 year olds are — than most people a lot older are… I think is remarkable.
How has this changed you Jon?
Jon: I’m not sure it has changed me at all in the sense that I would have felt the same way about transgenderism once I understood it, as I do having experienced it up close. What I think I felt as I wrote that column was just how the love for your child changes you and you have a different perspective on things.
We were talking early about how much of a workaholic I am. Everybody knows how consumed I am with Nevada politics and covering politics and how much it defines who I am. I think that Jake would back me up on this I don’t think there’s been a second that Jake has been alive that Jake hasn’t felt complete and utter love from me.
That is really the best part of my life. Despite how now, Jake would rather spend time in his room with Alyssa doing what other young people do, which is nothing!
There is always that bond that we formed through so much time together and forged in fire that is very, very personal inside a dysfunctional family. I don’t think I’ve changed as much as I did on July 12, 1995, when that love at first sight first occurred.
How do you think this has benefitted you?
Jake: That is a tough question because if I want to be happy I have to make these changes. It’s not something that’s going to benefit me so much as it has alleviate that stress of having two identities. It was very hard deciphering between going out and talking with my friends as Jake but then going into an academic setting as Madelyn. It was preventing me from being happy.
Did you ever doubt your dad’s support?
Jake: No.
That must have been a huge part of your ability to transition?
Jake: I wouldn’t have been so blessed to have such a great support system if it wasn’t for my dad. My dad has always wanted me to have the best education. The best people in my life and he’s always taught me stick with the people that are going to be with you day in and day out not just when they just need you. I would like to think that this is something that I’ve taken away from this. I’ve surrounded myself with people who support me.
Jon Ralston, dad; Jake Ralston, son
